The Reality of Vulnerability & Relationships

“Brick by Brick” was written based on personal experiences and “July” was written based on my experience walking with friends through difficulties they had in relationships and the impact it had on them. Both songs reflect on the trials of engaging in relationships with others while balancing the innate human desire to be loved and to love people even through the pain. Believe it or not, there’s a lot of research on why people engage in relationships with one another and why it can be so hard to do sometimes.

Social relationships are essential to human development and the quality of an individual’s relationships can have a significant impact on their formation of self-identity (Howe, 1995). People are shaped by their social environment and the relationships they are surrounded by in their day to day life, especially as children (Howe, 1995). People come from many different backgrounds which ultimately means that there are a diversity of ways in which people engage in relationships. To explain these differences, attachment theory was developed over time by numerous researchers including John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Cindy Hazan, and Phillip Shaver (Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Goldberg, Muir, & Kerr, 2009) . This theory explores the impact of a caregiver’s relationship with a child and how that could be the key in determining how individuals form relationships with others into their future (Goldberg, Muir, & Kerr, 2009). In short, the way in which a caregiver actively tends to a child’s needs and provides or does not provide safety and security for a child impacts the way an individual will attach or build relationships with people outside of their caregiver relationship (Firestone, 2013; Shevlin, Boyda, Elklit, & Murphy, 2014).

Throughout the development of the theory, four different “attachment styles” began to emerge. A “Secure” or “Autonomous” attachment style is used to describe an individual who is comfortable getting close to and being vulnerable with other people and who values intimate relationships while still having clear boundaries of self-identity (Shevlin, Boyda, Elklit, & Murphy, 2014; Goldberg, Muir, & Kerr, 2009). A “Dismissive” or “Avoidant” attachment style relates to individuals who are uncomfortable with vulnerable relationships and/or trusting other people. These individuals still form relationships but are fearful of becoming intimate with others (Shevlin, Boyda, Elklit, & Murphy, 2014). An “Entangled” or “Anxious” attachment style describes an individual who is consistently concerned about other’s opinions and believes that people are reluctant to get close to them. This individual often does not have a strong sense of independent identity from others. This can cause an individual to be overly dependent and concerned with other people and their needs in an effort to break the fear of being rejected (Shevlin, Boyda, Elklit, & Murphy, 2014; Goldberg, Muir, & Kerr, 2009). A “Disorganized” or “Unresolved” style describes an individual who usually has experienced significant loss or trauma at a young age where they were forced into constant fear without solutions. Individuals with this style often cannot make sense of their experiences and emotions and can act in ways that are unpredictable, confusing, or erratic in relationships (Firestone, 2013).

The “Secure” attachment style is commonly formed in a caregiver relationship where the child’s needs are met and the child is consistently able to rely on the caregiver (Shevlin, Boyda, Elklit, & Murphy, 2014). The other styles can stem from caregiver relationships where children were neglected, abused, experienced trauma or loss, or did not feel reliably connected to their caregivers (Firestone, 2013). Attachment styles and human social development are essential topics to explore when examining relationships and why it can be so challenging for some people to be vulnerable while others are constantly pouring out their hearts. It is also important though to note that attachment styles are not permanent and individuals can grow over time into “Secure” attachment if they develop trusting and vulnerable relationships with individuals outside of the caregiver relationship.

PAUSE. This is a very quick synopsis of attachment theory and its implications based on years and years of intensive and still developing research. I do not claim to be an expert but instead explore this to start a dialogue that seeks to explain the density of relationship formation. It also seeks to demonstrate the different ways people interact with their environment and others based on their previous experiences.

The question now lies in how to have successful and fulfilling relationships with the knowledge that people and their interaction with relationships are complex, confusing, and diverse. Brené Brown has conducted extensive research on vulnerability in relationships and shame people often feel due to relationships and has found that vulnerability takes courage and it is the “core of all emotions and feelings” (Brown, 2012, p. 37). The fear of vulnerability could be linked to the insecure attachment styles above where vulnerability led to painful feelings that are not fun to talk about or experience. In our culture, we often link vulnerability to “fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment” when it is the “birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity” (Brown, 2012, p. 36). In a relationship with another person, people often fear rejection and try to over-perform and display characteristics of strength, intelligence & perfection (Seppala, 2012). Research has shown though that this mask we wear often pushes people away instead of drawing them closer as humans naturally detect inauthenticity and become uncomfortable (Seppala, 2012). As humans, we fear rejection and it can feel simpler to hide from our true selves than to put ourselves on the line and risk the feeling of shame. Shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (Brown, 2012, p. 69). When we let shame take over and take us back into past experiences, past relationships, and self-doubts, it can override our ability to genuinely connect with other people and have long-lasting relationships. But vulnerability and integrity to our whole selves can bring us back into positive relationships with ourselves which allows us to positively interact with others.

Can you tell I love Brené Brown? But seriously. Vulnerability can be terrifying and painful but it appears to be the most meaningful and joyful way to do relationships. There is not a clean conclusion to the research on relationships or this piece of writing as humans and relationships are in constant change and growth. If nothing else, I hope these songs and this piece speak to the fact that relationships have played a large role in many lives and they are not clean cut or simple, but they are important. And most of all, they are beautiful and worth doing intentionally even through heartbreak and challenges.

References

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.

Firestone, L. (2013). Disorganized attachment: How disorganized attachments form and how

they can be healed. Retrieved from: https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized- attachment/.

Goldberg, S., Muir, R., & Kerr, J. (2009). Attachment theory: Social, developmental, and clinical perspectives. New York, NY: Routledge.

Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process

[PDF File]. Interpersonal Relations and Group Processes. Retrieved from:

https://public.psych.iastate.edu/ccutrona/psych592a/articles/Hazan_and_Shaver_1987pdf.

Howe, D. (1995). Attachment theory for social work practice. London: Macmillan Press Ltd.

Seppala, E. (2012). The real secret to intimacy (and why it scare us). Retrieved from:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201209/the-real-secret- intimacy- and-why-it-scares-us.

Shevlin, M., Boyda, D., Elklit, A., & Murphy, S. (2014). Adult attachment styles and the psychological response to infant bereavement. European Journal of Psychotraumatology 5(1).